pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
