I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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