We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
