So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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