Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
