Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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