just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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