dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm at about main and main street
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
