I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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