planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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