so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
