just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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