Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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