I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
