I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
