I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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