Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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