I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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