I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
