I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
