Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
