I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
