my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my shit smells like andre
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
