i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As shirtless as possible
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
