Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
