youre lurking in front of me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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