i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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