Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just puked most of my soul out..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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