tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
