if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
