I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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