At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
