Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
bring money and cleavage
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
