where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
