I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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