Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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