Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I cannot find my penis.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
