When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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