Heybabeimwearingurpanties
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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