Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
