I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
