I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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