We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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