Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
