First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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