just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
