he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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