It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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