At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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