The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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