you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
