I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
