she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
