end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
